I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. It has been a bit of a tumultuous year for me, but I'm trying to get back on my game. So now let me tell you a story, about how I fucked up and accidentally went on a Tinder date.
It was the in the depths of another miserable Kansas City winter, and I'm chatting with my buddy Ian on Snapchat. He says it's his birthday (I'm apparently a bad friend, since I obviously forgot about this). I was like Ermahgerd! Herppy Berfday. I love celebrating people's uterus independence day, so I was totally game and ready to buy him a drink that night.
As we’re chatting, I ask him if we are going to meet at his favorite bar, Buzzard. He surprisingly tells me that he wants to meet at a bar in Martini Corner, which has a completely different vibe. That seems out of character, so I question his choice for the bar, but he assures me that he just wants to change it up. Okay, your birthday, your choice
Ian tells me to meet him at his place, which was NOT where I remember him living. I just chalked it up to it being a new pad and head over. GUYS, there were so many red flags! I don't even know how I missed them all.
So, I head over, and give Ian a call. No answer. I send him a message on Snapchat. I can't get into the building without a code. It's cold and my uber driver seems to think that I can't be left alone on the side of the street, and it's starting to get to the questionably long period where I feel bad and the driver is just staring at me. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally receive a response from Ian. He'll be down in a minute. Thank God.
Relieved, I wave the uber driver off, and sit down on a bench. I see some random guy approaching and look back down at my phone.
"Christina, what's up?" - random guy who is dressed in a pressed shirt, slacks, and nice leather shoes.
"Who the fuck are you?" I asked, as I'm over here dressed in leggings and a ratty tank top.
"It's Ian" – a guy named Ian, but not my friend Ian.
"Oh, shitttttt." – Me.
I am literally in complete disbelief and start laughing. My mind is racing. How could this happen? How am I accidentally meeting up with this guy that I have never met? I don't even recognize his face from anywhere.
Then it clicks. Oh shit! This Ian must have added my Snapchat from Tinder. I look at my phone and search for Ian and sure enough, his display name and my friend Ian’s display name are exactly the same in Snapchat. I start to explain the situation, telling this Ian that I thought I was meeting up with my buddy Ian, and that I didn't intend to be going on a 'date' tonight. Being the good person that I am, I thought I'd make up for the confusion and buy this stranger a drink for his birthday.
Super awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it! I get into his car and start typing a message on Snapchat saying "OMG, I'm an idiot and just fucked up so hard hahahaha!"
How did I accidentally get roped into going on an awkward Tinder date? I didn't want to crush this poor kid's soul, so I decided to stick it out and at least buy him a drink.
When we get to the bar, we start chatting. This Ian seems nice, but awkward. But, it keeps getting weirder. I wish I was making this up! I tell him as nicely as possible that I'll buy him a couple of drinks, but he should contact his friends to celebrate with for the rest of the night - which he kind of awkwardly doesn't respond to. Then, with big, sad, puppy dog eyes, he explains that he was stoked to be going on a date tonight and canceled his other plans. I profusely apologize about the mix-up and he says it's not a big deal. But, I’m getting the vibe that this is a huge deal to him. I feel like I have crushed this poor boy’s soul.
I ask him why he's not out with his friends tonight celebrating his day of birth. He explains that his buddies are up north and he will be meeting them later. I persist in my questioning, hoping that he will take the hint and go hang with his friends. I know on my birthday, I certainly would want to hang with my buddies! So, I question him on why his friends wouldn't make a trip to the city for his big celebration, and he explains that these people are not actually his friends, but rather old high school buddies that he wanted to showboat in front of and reveal that he is no longer a fuck up and that he is now a successful biomechanical engineer! Uhhh, okay dude. What a tangled web he weaves! Because it is his birthday, I still feel bad for him though, and feel like I can't abandon him just yet.
Since I'm still hanging around, Ian gives me a quick rundown of his life story, and how he doesn't have many friends in KC, because he has had shitty relationships with controlling women. TMI. Just as I think the night can't get any weirder, he starts asking me advice about some girl that he is 'in love with,' but just broke things off with, and how to handle the situation. He asks if he should just be FWB with her to see if she will eventually LOVE him back. Uhhh, no. I'm embarrassed for him.
In between all the awkwardness at the bar, I run to the bathroom twice to try to finish texting my disastrous life happenings to friends in between giggles of incredulity on how I could be so dumb. Oh, and to send SOS messages, of course.
This guy - I'll call him imposter Ian - had a whole conversation with me on Snapchat, and ignored my questions about how his puppy was doing (since he had no animals) and why we wouldn't be going to his favorite bar on his birthday. I realize now how desperate imposter Ian must have been for this ‘date.’
After coming back from the bathroom, I go out to have a smoke, escape the awkwardness, and send more HALP messages. An employee at the bar is outside, as well, and I relay my ridiculous story. We share a laugh, and this lifesaver is trying to offer advice on ways to get me out of this dilemma. He offers to pretend to be an estranged significant other, but I decline, because I feel bad for this lonely boy who had to trick someone into going on a date with them. On their BIRTHDAY! But, I mean, Ian, did you really think your 'birthday pity party' would get you laid?
After a much-needed and well-deserved smoke, I go back inside, and buy Ian a third drink, and he straight up tells me that I ruined his whole birthday and that I should feel super shitty. I awkwardly apologize, and he tells me he just made other plans and asks if needs to pay for anything. I say no and never have I seen someone exit a bar so quickly except to run out the door to puke!
A sense of relief washes over me. I have made it through my accidental date. And I can't stop laughing at the reality of what just happened.
Keep your head up, Ian. Stay thirsty. But, not that thirsty. Haha!
Later that night, I ended up meeting up with my real friend Ian, telling him about my ridiculous accidental date with imposter Ian and asking him why, why, why he didn't answer the phone when I called. Moral of the story, don't be like me. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Don't ignore the signs. Pay attention, so that you don't get roped into what going on an accidental Tinder date.